"Equanimity is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love."
– Gil Fronsdal
Monday, October 26, 2009. My twins were exactly nine months old. We drove all day to Oakland from a wedding in Palm Springs.
I was desperate to make my over-30s, co-ed soccer game at 9:00pm.
We got home, unloaded the car, I left the kids with my partner and raced off to the field.
The game had started. I put on my cleats and ran on.
Within five minutes, I scored a goal.
Or so I thought. The ref didn't see it. I was incredulous. I cursed and yelled. He shoved a red card in my face. I slapped it out of his hand.
I kept yelling and cursing. He blew his whistle. I slapped it out of his mouth.
From some angles it looked like I punched him. Someone screamed, "Oh my god!"
I grabbed my bag, ran to my car, and drove home. My partner knew something bad had happened.
I explained it to her. I cried. Tears of embarrassment and shame and guilt.
This had to stop. I had to change. No longer could my emotions dictate my behavior.
This wasn't who I wanted to be, or who I was.
This was a turning point in my life.
When I began to intentionally cultivate equanimity.
So I can keep in integrity. Stay present and calm. Be more impactful.
A more authentic version of myself.