How to Be an Ally to Trans People

A member of my family has transitioned from using she/her pronouns to using they/them pronouns. They have also changed their name.

Tomorrow night at a family holiday gathering will be the first time I will see or talk to them with their new name and using different pronouns.

Thankfully for them, everyone who will be at the gathering is supportive.

That said, not everyone (including me) is intimately familiar with how best to be an ally to trans people.

There undoubtedly will be mistakes and awkward conversations.

As an ally of the trans community, it is my (and everyone's) responsibility to not center my ignorance, discomfort, or feelings.

Perhaps you or someone you know will be in a similar situation soon?

To build and sustain inclusive communities where everyone feels safe and like they belong, it requires that each of us become educated on topics and issues that we may not be familiar with.

This article is a good guide to being an ally to trans people.

Why I Committed to Evolving My Consciousness

When my dad died of AIDS on September 29, 2000, I decided to commit to evolving my consciousness.

To move the center of my world view away from surfing, drinking, and watching sports to learning about myself and other people so that I could become an authentic version of myself.

You see, I no longer wanted to be "that guy" – that guy who responded with "I don't know," "I don't care," "Why are you asking me?," or "Why does it matter?" to any social, cultural, or political issues.

I no longer wanted to be that guy because I no longer was that guy. My awareness of who I was had caught up with who I was.

I dove into self-exploration and elevating my cultural competence as if diving into the Pacific Ocean, knowing that I could never absorb all it had to offer, but trying to absorb it anyway.

And that's how I've lived my life ever since.

Personally. Professionally. Parentally. Relationally. Socially. Politically.

Mindfully. Intentionally. Unabashedly.

We all have moments that are the beginning of our transformation of consciousness. That shape our perspective. That clarify our worldview. That define our values and principles.

A moment that we look back on, and can say, "I used to think that. And now I think this."

My dad dying of AIDS was my moment. What's yours?

Stop Making Excuses for Not Reading

Of all the things you do to develop professionally, reading books is the most important, the most relevant.

You might read books about your line of work and about business and about how to be a better manager and those types of things.

But those aren't the books where you learn the most. Where you undergo personal growth. Where you experience the vast dynamism of the human condition. Where you empathize with the lived realities of people "not like you."

No, there aren't any "how-to" business books that teach you that stuff. That's not how it works. You learn that stuff by being interested in other people, other ideas, other cultures, other perspectives. . .on purpose.

You read books by and about people with whom you are not familiar on ideas and topics that you know little about so that you can expand your understanding of the world.

You won't see "read books" on any list of PD priorities. L&D leaders don't emphasize it. Companies don't value it. Leaders don't urge their people to read.

No, you have to want to do it on your own. You have to prioritize it. You have to emphasize it. You have to value it.

Or, you can keep making excuses why you don't read. And make everyone else suffer for it.

Mom Is Right

About seven years ago my mom was visiting from Florida. We were playing cards one night when, out of the blue, she said:

"You say your dad's biggest influence on you was that he was gay, but you never really talk or write about the fact that he wasn't really around to raise you."

Mic drop.

She was right.

So much of my world view and my career has centered around the political, social, cultural, and historical ramifications of my father's homosexuality that I had never explored the fact that as a kid I longed to have a real connection with him.

It's not an either/or thing. It's a both/and thing.

I do equity, inclusion, and belonging work because I know the world is full of inequity, exclusion, and alienation.

I also do this work because I need to be connected with other people. We all need to be connected with other people.

Individual circumstances and collective systems of polarization often make those connections seem impossibly challenging.

We all just want to belong. But before we can create belonging for others, we have to belong to ourselves.

This work, really, at its core, is self development work. It's self awareness work. Compassion and empathy work. Relationship building work.

I didn't always know that. But now I do.

Thanks, Mom.

You Got So Much Things to Say Right Now

"You got so much things to say right now.

Don't you forget who you are and where you stand in the struggle.

When the rain fall, it don't fall on one man's house."

You know these words from Bob Marley from over forty years ago apply to you – yes you – today, at work, in the office, in today's meeting! When you will – in front of the entire room – tell the White male VP who takes credit for the research on the slide presentation that the work was actually done by your Black female junior colleague, and she deserves the credit and recognition.

This will be your new norm. This is what you will do now. Because you got so much things to say right now. And now. And now. . .

You're aware that your courage to speak up and stop small injustices lays the groundwork for other people to speak up and stop small injustices.

You got so much things to say right now.

You show others with your words and actions that disrupting the status quo, challenging bro culture, and exposing the old boys' networks is what we do around here.

Starting today, you serve as a possibility model for others.

You know that rain doesn't fall on just one person's house. It falls on everybody's.

Conversely, the radiant sunshine warms everybody's house.

And their hearts too.

Read more #secondpersonstories here.

Expanding Our Understanding of What Drives Change

I wonder what would happen if more diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging people (or whatever combination people are using) expanded their understanding of what actually leads to more diversity, of what actually leads to more inclusion, of what mindsets and frameworks create more equity, of what truly helps everyone feel like they belong.

There's too narrow of an understanding of what's needed – programmatically, intellectually, behaviorally. In the urgency to "get results" and "increase the numbers," organizations and DEIB leaders continue to emphasize the same old tried and tired approaches that may lead to short term gains and may be things you put as "accomplishments" on a resume – at the expense of the difficult stuff that builds trust and connection.

Building inclusive workplace cultures of belonging takes time. It takes individual and collective evolution of consciousness. It takes public vulnerability, sharing stories, engaging in uncomfortable conversations, a willingness to learn and grow.

So, yes, do your unconscious bias trainings. And, yes, hire black engineers. And, yes, create more ERGs. But don't only do those things. You have to also do the things that move people who don't really care about any of this stuff to care about all of this stuff.

You feel kind of guilty, but not enough to do anything about it

You walk into a boardroom and you look around.

There are ten people in the room. They're all looking busy or bored. . . or both.

Presumably preparing for the big client presentation this evening. Or pretending to be preparing.

You've worked with all these people for a few years. In fact, one of the people in the room hired you in the firm three years ago. He was impressed that you went to Stanford.

Like him.

Other people in the room have been your direct supervisor at some point or another.

You've worked hard, sure, but, if you're really being honest, you haven't really done much in your career to deserve the deep respect and promotions that they've given you.

You feel kind of guilty, but not enough to do anything about it.

You sit down at the table with all these other people.

For the first time, you realize that they all look more or less like you. You notice that they are all men. You notice that they are all white. Why haven't you noticed this before?

You realize that they are all making the important decisions and running the company.

You realize that if you just follow the rules, you'll be in their position soon. You'll be making the important decisions. You'll be running the company.

So what are you going to do about that?

Read more #secondpersonstories here.

What's Your Point of View?

To be truly impactful in creating an inclusive culture of belonging, senior leaders must do more than agree with or "support" DEIB initiatives and programs.

Approval is not the same as buy-in.

Approval is easy ––>

"I support initiatives that promote more women in leadership."

"I agree we should increase the number of Black people on our engineering team."

"It's important that everyone feels comfortable bringing their full selves to work."

These may sound great, but their usually just trite, cover-your-ass platitudes with no action to make them happen.

If you're actually bought in, you will be more committed than this.

You will actively pursue, discover, embody, articulate, and develop a unique point of view.

You will self-reflect. You will get coaching. You will ask for support. You will be publicly vulnerable. You will share stories that illustrate your evolution of consciousness.

You will hone an authentic and consistent message that is compelling, relatable, believable, and grounded in personal experiences.

Then people may actually connect with you. They will trust you and be inspired by you. And they won't dismiss you.

Then, and only then, will you truly contribute to the creation of an inclusive culture of belonging.

So what's your point of view?